The Emergence of
The Father of Manifestation
In spite of Our held back feelings, what happened next was not wrong. The part of Me that has known it was not wrong has struggled with the part of Me that could not align with it ever since it happened. I was flooded with emotions that I denied at the time, because I judged these feelings to be out of alignment with the understanding that I did have. I have not seen how to balance the two points of view within Myself until now, when I can finally heal them.
The Mother had a desire for a lover that would hold Her all the time and never let Her go. She wanted it to be Me, but did not see how it could be Me, since I had not demonstrated any innate talents in this direction. She had guilt that She had such a strong desire for continuous loving contact, but she could not quiet Her desire. She had tried Me many more times than I even realized, without being quite correct about, because She had wanted Me to take the initiative, so that She could know I really desired Her as much as She desired Me. I seemed to Her to be all too satisfied with Heart, and too ready to let Her needs: noticed. She feared that I thought She was too trivial, and that I did not want to concern Myself with Her when heart and I were poring over matters of the Spirit.
The Mother watched Heart and Myself for a long time before She made Her move. Heart and I were involved in the weighty matters of how to create without over riding the essence involved, while the Mother stared out into space and longed for a lover that would understand Her and have the desire and the ability to fill even Her unspoken words. She had a sad longing within Herself because She did not know where such a lover could come from. She felt he could not be Her child and there was no one out in space that We have found. She feared She was wrong to have this longing and tried to hide it from Me, but She called for this lover from Her Heart.
I felt the movement of His emergence, but I did not look up. Heart had told Me that this was the emergence that needed to come forth now. Heart and I were busy anyway, the fault was not necessary to see what the Mother was going to do with it. Lost Will holds this knowledge in the form of not looking at reality, but being flooded with inner pictures instead.
I was terrified that I have not done right by the Mother of and did not allow those feelings to move at the time. I was also angry that the Mother did not love Me enough to wait for Me. Lost Will has the feelings I did not move then in the form of believing the man should not let the woman know how he feels no matter how hard it is to hold the feelings back.
Heart told Me it was going to be all right and that I should not allow My feelings to get in the way of His emergence, because He had an important role to play. Lost Will here is not yet sure whether I can heal it or not. It has been holding the fear that I am not adequate for the job of God and cannot do everything it needs doing all once. There are many more things in the Lost Will are around this emergence, but I am going to bring them forward as they become more relevant to the unfolding story.
Now I have acceptance for this emergence, who was the Father of Manifestation or My own body, but then, My emotions cannot understand why He had to come forth and make Me feel threatened. I didn't recognize Him as My body then. Then, I just saw His huge size and felt diminished in His presence which was a feeling I did not like. This new emergence looked as though He could envelop Us all. His light was dazzling. He had the soft, warm gold, of the mother and the silvery white light I had become. Not only that, he had the colors heart had begun to glow, and in addition, a brilliant rainbow of colors over him. He was beautiful. I was awestruck.
"He has the power to make form come forth", I heard Heart, tell Me.
I looked at the Mother and She avoided Me, because She was afraid of how one might react in this. I was flooded with fear Myself that She thought I was not enough for Her and did not want to help. I brushed these feelings aside in favor of welcoming a newcomer. Lost Will got the fear.
The Mother allowed the Father of Manifestation to present Himself to Me without accompanying Him because She still was not sure of Me. She and this new emergence had made love as soon as He had come forth and she was not sure if I knew it or not.
Of course I knew it, just as I really did know everything that had happened, but I had not allowed it into my conscious mind. At that time, I did not want to know, because it felt too overwhelming to Me. I feared that the Mother loved Him more than She loved Me, and I was greatly relieved when She joined Us and gave Me a loving response for My acceptance of Him. I hated Her for trapping Me in this, and Lost Will got the hatred. I did not let Them know how I felt. I even held back from Heart on this. Heart noticed this right away and felt some guilt that He had not correctly ascertained the effect this emergence was going to have on Me.
"We can't manifest the creation without him", I heard Heart telling Me. "It will be all right, you’ll see".
Heart did not seem at all perturbed, which gave Me a passing annoyance with Him. and became ashamed of Myself and began brushing aside more of My feelings of inadequacy and fear that I was not needed anymore. I-listened to Heart tell Me how We would be brothers and how We would all love the Mother together. That part sounded ludicrous to Me. Why only one Mother, I found Myself thinking now. I had hoped for an emergence that would be a mate for My Son. I had fears around the balance here that went into the Lost Will and became original cause for many gay men. They have no joy in themselves, but at least they can be gay.
I watched My Son to see how He treated this new manifestation. They treated one another very loving, but were not openly sexual. I had fears about what might be happening when I was not looking. I accused Myself of having the morals of a prude. If Heart had a desire for another man, it was not My place to tell Him how he should behave. I did not allow Myself to realize yet that the Mother had actually called for this lover and that Heart had not been responsible for calling Him forth. I could have known all of this if I had not been afraid to feel it then, but I did recognize that Heart felt more open now that the Father of Manifestation had appeared and I wondered why. I also had an understanding that the Mother now has someone to help Her with the manifestation. I continued to feel uneasy, but Heart kept reassuring Me that when He and I were busy with the within the Mother of Everything, as Heart called Her now, and the Father of Manifestation had work to do on the without. This gave Me a suspicion that went into the Lost Will that Heart and I were gay. I resolved to watch everything more closely so that I could know the truth, but I did not have the focus I needed at the time to know everything at once. I have since developed much more mastery over this, but I still have Lost Will to heal that did not want to look at everything. Lost Will is massive in this area, as you can tell by the reflection of how many people there are that do not want to know everything that is really going on.
At that time, Heart and I still felt much of Our attention being drawn inward. We wanted to get to know all that was within Me that wanted to manifest. We were having a lot of fun looking within and discover some of the things that were not out in Creation yet. As Heart and I grew acquainted with what lay within Me, We begin to feel the need to know more about how to manifest it.
Many things within did not have voices; they had only the sounds of their own vibrations. I sensed that they were not spirits in the same sense that the voices were. There was a different feeling about their mass also. This essence had to become planets and stars, but I did not know what they had to do to go forth. I did not want to push anything and risk having it fall in space as the Mother had originally done. I have been pondering this for quite some time when I noticed that the Mother had been trying to get my attention. She complained that I was ignoring Her again and that I had not been making love to Her. She said She had realized that what had happened could not be held back, but She wanted to have My love to help Her through it. She had a strong desire to make love and have been holding back for quite some time waiting for Me. I felt guilty again then that I had not included the Mother more and what Heart and I had been doing.
She answered Me before I spoke, saying that She did not want to be involved that way. She wanted to make love the way We used to.
"I want to play, I want to move, I do not want to sit around thinking all the time", She told Me.
I had a feeling that I did not know all that the Mother had been doing while I was so busy within Myself. I suspected She had been making love with the other Spirit Heart had called My Brother, but I was not sure. She had such a desire for Me now that I did not want to know just then whether She had or not. I pushed more of My fears about My relationship with both of them into a state of denial just as they were doing with Their fears about Heart and I.
We had just given manifestation to the Four Parts of the One and only God there is, but we did not know it. We had already become fearful, angry and jealous toward one another. When guilt told us it was unloving to express these feelings we denied having them. Guilt was already telling Us We should not be having the relationship We were having with one another, and fear kept us from bringing these feelings forward. Each of us feared that working our situation out might not mean it would work out the way We wanted it to. At that time, it seemed easier to try to ignore Our problems. Heart, Body and I all feared the Mother would choose another if She had to settle for One of Us. The Mother feared there was something wrong with Her that She did not want another Will Spirit to be present with us in the ways that She was. We all had fear that it was not right to make love altogether. I feared I was inadequate or the Mother wouldn’t have that other Spirit, and that other Spirit feared that was not right for Him to be with the Mother since I had been with her first. Heart was also interested in the Mother, but he felt like a Son that received Her, and did not feel He could fulfill her without My presence. The Mother had a desire for Spirit, Heart, Will and the Body to be together as one, but She feared it might be wrong of Her to want all of Us to Herself, and so she did not want to suggest it. Instead, She hoped one of Us would mention it. We had no understanding as to why we had these fears, but they nagged Us continually.
All of these feelings and more were under currently present with Us when the Mother approached Me this time. She wanted to forget about all of it for a while because She felt We would not understand. She began to stroke Me now saying that She wanted to feel as She had felt when it was only She and I. She pulled on Me and I took a hold of Her. She wanted Me to touch Her pains again. I had resistance to this at first, but then I remembered I had had the greatest pleasure when I made her feel good first.
I touched Her and found more places of pain in Her than I ever found before. I did know why, but I wanted to blame the Father of Manifestation for this. I also felt blame toward the Mother that She had allowed this pain to build and now wanted Me to heal it. I felt like She was trained to hold Me responsible for Her pain. I did not like feeling any of these things, and it seemed as though mentioning them might only make matters worse.
The Mother felt guilty here and was trying to arouse passion in Me in an effort to get Me to overlook what We were feeling. I allow Her to succeed, because I did have feelings of love for Her which I could not overlook any more. I plunged into Her and, and She let Me know She loved it by exploding in light. She felt delicious to Me, and I had light in every place I could find in Her now. Instead of guilt, I was feeling immense relief that She still loved Me and could still respond so delightfully to My advances. She opened to Me like never before, and We felt ourselves expanding in light until we had to explode in the happiness of it.
I knew that Heart was present, but I did not let Myself realize at the time the Body was also present. I was feeling so much joy and release and expanding light that did not look around to see where the Father of Manifestation was.
The Mother was thrilled and exhilarated, and lifted higher than I'd ever seen Her before. I felt as though I had done it until I realize that Heart had affected Her also. I then felt ashamed of My feelings of wanting the Mother all to Myself. I felt a rush of guilt that not only did have those feelings, but I also wanted Her to wait for Me and not to open to others in this way when I was not around. The Mother would have loved it if I had come forward with this and made Her feel wanted, but I did not tell Her because at the moment I realized that our great ecstasy was not just due to the presence of Heart. The Father of Manifestation, I now realized, was with Us also.
I really had fear then that I was no longer enough for the Mother. I feared that I could not accept having the Father of Manifestation going into the Mother at the same time I was, and yet, Body was there with Us because He felt He could not miss it. Even though He was unsure whether His presence was accepted or not, He had gone into the Mother and had not come out when She had come to me. The Mother felt ashamed and guilty that She deceived Me but not letting Me know the Father of Manifestation had presence within Her and the Father of Manifestation was afraid He had felt desire that was not right.
Heart let Me know that the Father of Manifestation had been present with us long before He manifested, and I knew this to be true. Nonetheless, I had feelings that were not at peace, and also a preference for ignoring these feelings because I did not like them. The Mother already had a desire to get everything out into the open and make light of it, so speak, but She was afraid of displeasing Me and did not feel She could bear to try to prevail over Me. She had felt Me already, and so remained quiet for fear that an attempt to work it out might not bring the resolution She wanted.
The Father of Manifestation did not like feeling afraid of Me, and so, he got angry at Me instead, and told Me that it was not right to feel like excluding him now that He had emerged since He had been present all along. He said He wished He had not manifested if it meant that now He was going to be left out. He took the Mother and stomped off without along Me to answer Him.
I felt guilty now, that I had been unloving toward Him, and I felt as though I should share the mother with, even though I had feelings that were not aligned with this. I went after them to make peace. I told them that Heart had given Me the understandings I needed, but I was having trouble accepting them. Will and Body said that they were having trouble also and that they did not understand why there was only one feminine manifestation. Heart beamed His presence upon Us and We reached alignment at that time.
Right Use of Will
The Unseen Role of Denial
Four Winds Publishing
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