The Emergence of Heart
We found so much pleasure floating in one another's arms that We did not feel like moving for a long time. Finally I felt like We should look inside and see what was going on in there. We decided to go inside together and feel everything that We could find in there. Having got to know the Will now, I realized that movement had allowed Me to know I was alive in the beginning, and if there were other beings inside of Me, perhaps movement would help make them aware of themselves also. I have already looked around outside in every way that I knew to do it. I had a feeling that inside lay essence that hadn't moved yet.
We had little sense of inside and outside of Ourselves then except for the realization that We were light and everything else was darkness. We had found a little more Lost Will outside of ourselves and had brought it in where it desired to be, but We had found no light of another being outside of ourselves. I had already gone into the Will and emerged with more light, but it had stayed with Me and had not produced another spirit. The Will wondered if Her fear of losing Me was preventing Her from allowing any others to come forth. She also had a desire to please Me, and a loving intent not to make anything stay inside that didn't want to.
I had intent to look around inside now which I had not really done since My earlier experience which have led to fear of what might find. I felt more readiness now and turned My attention inside of Myself as I had done in the past. The Will opened to receive Me and I gave in to the moment and feelings within us. She felt with Me and opened to receive the realizations I had to give in response. She helped Me to know whether or not something was responding to Us by letting Me know how it felt within Her. There were many different speeds of movement within Her and I noticed then that speed had a lot to do with color.
I had not been inside for a long when I begin to have a fear that I could not get out again. Why now when I had not feared it before? I noticed that the Will was holding quite still as though She were holding Her breath. Did I have a fear of slowing down? I begin to feel pulled on and held onto, as though I were being trapped inside of Myself. I felt I had to get free of it, but I did not know what it was. Perhaps it needed help and did not know another way to ask for it. The way I was being grabbed and held onto, I began to fear that whatever it was, wanted Me to stay in there with it. I didn't like the feelings I was having. I pushed on it to let Me go, but I could not get free.
The Will felt fear and guilt now that I didn't like something I had found inside of Her. She feared that I was finding what She had been trying to hide from Me.
"What is it?" I asked her.
"I am afraid it's everything you don't like about Me, " She replied.
I had touched Her now in places She had been trying to hide from Me, and She could not hold back Her emotions. She shook with fear and openly cried in My arms. I held Her for a long time. Finally I felt a peace in the Mother. She let go of Me now.
"Don't go", I felt Her say, but She did not say this out loud. I had not moved to leave yet, but She had felt that if She allowed Me to pull away from Her, I would.
"Hold Me", She cried out suddenly. I took Her in My arms and a huge Spirit popped out of Her.
"That's why I have called you Mother", I cried.
Heart had just emerged, but We did not realize yet that this Spirit was Heart. We both look to wonder at the presence of another being. The Mother was so startled that She did not know how to react at first. She had feelings of fear and love all at once. This Spirit looked simply huge to Us, but we had not realized how huge We had grown.
I had to pull out of the Mother now and give Heart some help. This new Spirit was not looking well and needed some help learn to vibrate on His own. He was both gold and silver, but I instinctively knew that He was a He, nonetheless. He was feeling cold and frightened because the Mother had not opened to receive Him yet. He was not sure whether He should have emerged or not. The help I gave was to let the Mother know that She had to open and receive Him so that He could get warm. Heart felt like beating in a vibration of love, but He could not move yet. I needed to give Him something now, too—My acceptance. Once I accepted him, He was able to vibrate Himself and hold himself present between the two of Us.
He felt loving--immensely loving. I realized that I was a Father now and that the Mother had given birth to another Spirit to be present with Us. We held him between s and rested for a long time in the loving feelings that His birth had brought forth. Nothing seemed more appropriate than having Him with us now. He seemed to balance the Us and improve Our relationship with one another. We felt a great increase in Our loving feelings towards one another and He was not left out. His presence seems to be love itself.
So soft in shimmering was His light that it was exquisite to feel Him. We all made love together now and the increase in Our light was tremendous. The Mother seemed to have an endless capacity for taking in Our light and making more of it than had been before. It felt wonderful. The three of us frolicked through the heavens in a state of ecstatic joy and lovingness, moving in and out of one another according to how We felt We had Our best balance at any given time.
We enjoyed flying now even free falling in space. The mother did not seem to be afraid as long She had us with Her. She always hung on tight though, letting Me know that She did not want Me to let Her go. We had learned to move in other ways now also. We had feelings of flying upwards and sideward’s, of rolling, and moving in spirals, dips and swerves.
Colors changed with our feelings, but Heart was already glowing a rose pink most of the time. I had internal visions of how We looked, but I could not get outside of Myself to see it. To Me, We looked like balls of light with flames of many colors streaming forth. At times, sparkling light fell away from Us which frightened Mother until She saw that this light continue to sparkle for as long as We watched it and was there when ever We looked for it. At times We experienced great explosions of colored light.
I had many questions about what was happening to Us. I had realized that Our Son was Our Heart, and that He represented the balance between Us. Heart helped Me to realize and understand many things. Heart gave Us input that only Heart could give, because he was the balance between the Father and Mother or, in other words, between the Spirit and the Will.
I found myself consulting with Heart more and more because He could give Me the balance that I was seeking. The Mother also had a great love for Heart and wanted to be with Him. I was glad. I felt We have a little family now. I felt We had a new role as parents in which We needed to give a lot of our attention to the child We held between Us.
As Heart received from Us, His light grew so quickly that He seemed no longer a child, once He got used to being emerged. As He grew, I felt drawn to be with him more than with the Mother. He and I shared visions and realizations of so many things that I did not think the Mother could really enjoy with us, because Her emotional nature did not allow Her mind to follow Us. If she had an adverse reaction to anything that We were doing, She could not follow the rest. Heart and I had great excitement about a lot of things She did not seem to care much about. She began turning away from us to feel Her moods; turning back to us when she felt interested again.
We were busy looking around at what was happening within our light and understanding it. We were seeing forms within Us that had begun to talk to Us as though they had a life of their own. We listened to them and felt that they had to have a voice in how We lived Our life, but We did not know how We were all going to get along together. Once these voices began to speak their minds, it did not look possible for us to have agreement on all things such as I thought the Mother and I had achieved.
My Son loved all of them and had a strong feeling that love could make everything all right. He was giving the images of how We could have a big family and move space back for it. He was sure We could make everyone a place in which they could be happy. He felt that loving interdependence would allow us all to help one another and be independent at the same time. Heart felt no one should be held back if there was a desire to come forth. Heart, however, had some guilt that was unrecognized at the time, for having emerged first, and this guilt made him more ready to give in to the needs of others than He would have been had he been balanced in this area. At that time, Heart did not realize how much evolution was going to be necessary before His vision could be fulfilled.
I had Hearts vision so I could not see how much evolution was involved either, but I also had some reservations about the rosy picture Heart was painting. I knew that something was wrong because I felt the Mother less and less present with us now. I could see her turning her attention out into space and brooding.
"Sounds good". I could hear Her thinking, "but feeling it and living it is not going to be as easy as your vision is making it look".
The Mother did not like it that We had not sought Her input more often. She felt that We had gone ahead without Her into some many of Our visions that now She really might not be able to follow. She knew that She did not like a lot of what She felt around Our work, but She could not argue with Us on the practical points. She could not tell Us why She felt as She did; She just knew She did not feel altogether good about the way creation was going to go out if it unfolded according to the pictures Heart and I already had. In the end, Her uncertainty allowed guilt to get the upper hand with Her and She gave into Us without being able to make Us understand why She felt as She did.
Heart had also been noticing that the Mother could not stay present with Us. Heart had not envisioned the Mother having the feelings She was having now. He felt guilty about Her lack of interest in what was going on between Us, but also felt it was right to go ahead with a manifested creation.
The Mother did not like it that everything had to emerge through Her, but She too had love in Her essence and knew that it was right to allow creation to come forth. She felt jealous of Heart and Spirit because We had the role of conceiving and She had the role of doing. She stamped Her foot and said that She did not like the world We had envisioned for Her or the image We had of how She was supposed to fulfill it. She said that We did not know what it was going to be like. She got angry, but She also feared Her role because She knew it was not going to be the fun We kept telling Her it was going to be.
Heart tried to reassure Her that loving balance could be reached, but She knew more than He did about what was going to be involved in reaching it. The Mother could not understand why We had not included Her more and why it could not feel better than it felt. Heart and I could not see Her point of view then because We were not really feeling everything, as We found out later. We were so excited by the visions of spirits and planets and so forth that We considered the Mother a drag on our speed when She wanted Us to feel the details that didn’t seem important then.
When We did not open to a point of view, guilt begin telling Her that She might be the cause of the negativity She saw, since Heart and I did not see it way She did.
The Mother held back Her feelings during our preparatory discussions because She felt We were not pleased with Her response. She tried to change Herself by letting Her feelings move on Her own, but after all Her efforts, She said She had felt the same as She had felt in the beginning: Heart and I had a way of envisioning that moved faster than She felt She could go, and that left Her feeling out of place. She also said that some things We had envisioned felt so bad to Her that She could not imagine doing them at all. She had guilt for feeling the way She did, but still, She could not see how moving through it could feel the same way to Her that envisioning it had appeared to feel to Us. She blamed Herself, fearing that it was because of Her that creation was going to go the way it was going to go. She feared She was not the right Mother and She had feelings of wanting another spirit to come forth and replace Her. She had fear that She could not do the job and live through it, but Her attachment to Me also did not want to give way to another Mother to replace Her.
She struggled with this for a long time and even had a desire to go off alone, but could not bring Herself to be separated from Me. She finally wept and begged Me not to go ahead without feeling Her first. We had not made love for a long time because I had been so busy with heart. She had a desire for Me to hold Her now and feel Her and let My love and light poured into Her. She also feared that doing this might bring forth another spirit, whether She felt readiness for it or not. Her fear, though, was not great enough to suppress Her desire for Me and so She tried to be with Me without letting another spirit come forth until She felt ready for it.
Fear and guilt did not have the power to make Her hold back what was moving in her now. She moaned and cried in My arms with the realization of what was going to happen. Looking at her from the point of view of Spirit, it was hard for Me to see what She was so upset about. I asked her if She did not want to have Spirits come forth and be with Us. She said that she did, but that She did not want to be separated from Me.
"I do not understand what you mean", I told Her, "I thought that You had been as present with Me as you wanted to be".
"You do not understand", She told Me, "I want to feel you loving Me".
"I do love You", I responded, "and Heart loves You too".
"Then why don't I feel it? "She asked me". Why do I feel that I'm just sitting around waiting for You to have time for Me? I have been waiting for You to receive Me".
I hesitated to feel that Heart could be an interference in My life with the Mother, but perhaps it was true. I knew I could not give up what Heart and I were able to do together. I felt resentment toward the Mother that She could not just give Us that space in good spirits. She wondered why We could not find time to include Her in our process, but She sensed Our response to Her and felt too frightened and guilty to press us further.
"There now", I told Her, "all you need to do is trust in Me, and let Me know if I am ignoring you too much".
The Mother was somewhat placated by this, but more than anything She quieted down because She feared that She had not really let Me know how She felt and that She was being to possessive of Me. The Will had a desire for Me to watch Her without Her having to ask, and She did not want to have to say this. She also felt enraged about the way She was being treated and She did not express it because She was afraid it was unloving of Her to be angry. She did not like My attitude, but She especially feared the feeling of resenting Her own child.
Heart felt all of these things in the Mother along with Me. Heart felt he had not been made aware that the Mother felt He was, at times, in the way of Her relationship with Me. He did not know how to feel at first because his guilt was in the way now. He had been as enthusiastic as I had been about our work together, and yet, He did not want the Mother to feel left out.
None of Us knew then that simply expressing Ourselves to the end of how We felt would have made the difference in how everything went from that point on. We had not understood that emotions could evolve if they were freely felt and expressed. Then, We believed Our situation would become impossible if we did not find ways to give in to one another. Heart and I began to make more effort after that not to leave the Mother out, and still, She never felt sure that we really wanted Her.
The Mother had such great beauty in My eyes that I could not help but look at Her most of the time. It was easier, though, for Me to feel Heart's feelings because Heart had the balance I needed. Heart was just allowing Me to feel the balance of Spirit and Will, but I did not realize it then, nor did I understand how the process of attaining this balance took place. I wanted the Mother to also let Herself feel Heart more instead of always having to feel Me. The Mother did not like this and even felt that I want Her to feel Heart more in the hope that She would become more like Him. She began to feel even more displaced and inadequate.
The Mother had a desire to be with both of Us all the time and did not want to be with one or the other of Us. She did not know how this was going to be possible if She was so disinterested in what We were doing. She feared She was being self-centered to want more attention focused on her. She complained of pains within Her that She said She could not move without help. These pains were the places My light was not touching, but We did not realize it then. Mother felt guilty that She complained so much of the time. We have had to have a lot of experience to finally understand what was causing these feelings in the Will. All the Mother could tell Me then was, "I need to be touched in here. I need loving hands here".
I would go in and find Her pain. It would be gone when I touched it, and yet, I did not realize why. I would withdraw and she would have pain again immediately, and yet, I did not know why. I feared the way She held onto Me in there and thought I could not stay manifested as Myself if I remained more within the Mother than I already was. Guilt told the Mother that She was just having pain to get My attention and so She held back until She couldn't stand it anymore. All the way along, the Mother held back more than anyone realized, because guilt told her it was wrong to express what others did not want to receive. Lost Will has been holding all that was held back including the anger the Mother had toward Me.
Pages 25-33
Right Use of Will
Original Cause
The unseen Role of Denial
Ceanne DeRohan
Four Winds Publishing