Fear Presenting as Curiosity





   I see so many of you facing in on Me, wondering if I really could be God or not. Encircling Me, pressing so close, drawing near as you dare, trying to see Me, wondering if I recognize you and ask you to move closer to Me.


   It feels like you are encircling your current candidate for new guru. I see your faces peering at Me, looking for a sign that you should be here, fearing you shouldn't be here, yet so obviously trying to get close to Me.


   Is it safe? Are we welcome? Isn't He queer? Should I let myself be seen so very near someone so unlike other gurus I've had before? What if He's not the right guru and I am shown to be a fool? After all, He doesn't look that good. He doesn't dress just right. He doesn't wear the eternal smile, make me laugh much or inspire me to feel that I'm already where He is if I only knew. He doesn't say what the other say. He doesn't say what I expected God to say.


   You have so many thoughts, but you say very little that is not small talk. You risk saying a few things behind My back, like whispers of this kind are somewhat more comfortable than an open mind that says what it feels. You do not say very much just in case I might hear you, and you are watching Me closely to see if I do, because if I am the guru I say I am, then I should be able to hear every whisper of man, or else I'm just another image of God you never could reach, some old God, in which case I couldnít have anything new to teach.


   If you think I might be looking back at you as though I have noticed you, you pretend that's not what you came here to have Me do. If I act like I am reading you, you have a ready excuse intended to explain it away, but which has nothing, really, to do with it; a ready excuse designed to sway Me to your point of view because that's the only view you want taken of you.


   I want you to stop playing games with Me. If you are going to come this close to Me, then I want you to acknowledge why you are here. If you want to be allowed to peer at Me, then I want you to overtly agree that I am also allowed to see you. No more holding a rigid image of Me that requires Me to know everything about you and acknowledge all that I see while you do not move to show your inner selves to Me, but play, instead, at being outraged that I have peered uninvited in to you. It puts a tremendous strain on Me to have you deny Me and yet still require Me to know all there is to know about you. I'm supposed to be real with you will you are not being real with Me. Then, when I move like I know you as well as I do and as you expect Me to, you say I haven't seen you clearly, accurately, or haven't got the right picture of you is not the way you want Me to see you.


   You claim I have judged you when I look into you while you still want to give Me nothing but your defense and projected persona, which gives the impression you are trying to hold Me out of you while insisting you want Me to come into you to prove I am there for you. This game I call, "Prove You Are God and prove You love me no matter how I act toward you," but, by the way, I can never prove Myself to you because your game doesn't allow Me to.


   I'm tired of having you act like My light is somehow invasive of you unless you completely control it, because you don't want to see yourself what I have seen in you. Facing your own reflection and taking responsibility for it is what I am asking you to do. If you are not ready for it, you cannot stay near Me. You will have to move back with the others who don't want to see or hear anything other than what they already know, and wait until you are ready before you go into the pictures of you I am giving now.


   If you do not want to move as quickly as I moving here, and knowledge it before you get hurt, and allow yourself to move to the place that is moving at the speed that you want to go, a speed that feels neither to fast nor too slow. The speed of vibration that feels good to you is your right place, no matter how fast or slow you have chosen to go. This is not a contest of speed; it is learning to arrange your life so that it feels as good as it can. The best way to do this is to know how you really feel.


   The next thing I am going to say is based on something I feel about you and if it is true, I want you to acknowledge it to Me. I feel like you're here because no matter what your problems may be in reading these books or in moving the way that I say, you are seeking a truth that you sense has never been told to you, a truth that has somehow been lost or hidden behind some long ago locked and forbidden door, some truth that will be just what you always been waiting for, some truth that shall prove to be just what you always been looking for, yet, you can't quite speak of what it is or reach your hands out to open the door, because you are afraid of what you are looking for. You are afraid the truth is either not going to be what you wanted to be, not what you want to hear or what you want to see, or that what you're looking for never was, could not be or is not any more.


   Then, also, you've always been told from times of old that the forbidden and forbidding door had to be opened to you by another, that it wasn't there for you to try and discover or open on your own. And youíve also been told that what lies within is not for you to behold unless you ready yourselves in some way of which youíre not sure, even if you hear it said that youíve been told and told before. All you have, really, are scattered myths, interpreted wrongly by many, pieces of stories about old and sunken lands and places that some are now saying were all destroyed by spaceships they talk to, but who never land and rescue you as they say they can. There are stories of old and long time past, and promises for the future both bright and bold, but no prophecies ever foretold seem to come to pass in your lifetime; nothing real you can hold onto to make sure you are not crazy; just some shred you cling to, about facing your own reflection and maybe that will teach you something you don't already know to liberate you from this feeling of being lost. Although you have no real idea of what it is, it has something to do with how often you go to the mirror, look at your presentation face, smile, and reassure yourself you are all right as you are.


   If I'm going to allow you to come this close to Me, you must allow yourselves to acknowledge how feels to see what you are being allowed to see in Me, and you must also acknowledge how it feels to allow yourselves to be seen by Me. I am not going to guess anymore about how you feel, or make explanations or excuse for you anymore. Instead, I'm asking you to be more real with Me in exchange for Me being real with you. I no longer want to risk the imbalance of presenting how I really feel in the presence of you who still want to present an externalized view that does not present the real inner you. I am going to give to you what I really feel based, not on what I might know of you, but on what I have to respond to in you, which is what you choose to show Me.


   You have internalized your Will and externalized your presentation, with such a gap in between for so long, that I know this is not going to be easy for you, but I cannot go on anymore along you to continue judging what you see of Me when you don't even understand what I'm doing things for. Instead of bearing that anymore, I am going to have you move back.


   I'm going to say what I feel, and if you don't like it, it's your job to move back. So, all of you who arenít ready to move feelings you havenít moved before, and more real feelings than you have ever moved before, need to feel this about yourselves and move back without reading on anymore until you feel ready.


   You have a lot of ground to cover, so I'm going to move along rather quickly. If you cannot move as quickly, it is up to you to move back when you need to. Do not keep reading past the little glimmers of emotion that may be the only tenuous thread you have left that connects you to the denied and lost Will you need to find.


    I am asking you to respect My efforts enough to take the time to go into the things I am able to stir in you, instead of reading along just like you're reading a little story, while still judging Me wrong as though you know. Will movement is more important than any other avenue you could take or any words you could speak about what you intend to do.


   Take this action as a way of ceasing your, so far, endless circling around Me like so many buzzards looking for any weakness or discrepancy in Me. This circling around, you claim is your process of evaluating Me to see if you can trust Me enough to risk moving along with Me. Aside from the fact that you cannot figure of this out mentally, what you are doing feels more vampirish and vulturous than that to Me. It feels like you're looking for some gap or lacking in Me were you can claim you are one up on Me.


   It feels like you are trying to see who knows more, you or Me, and in the process, you might learn a little more from Me and then claim you already knew it. While you are playing this game with Me, you claim to be just waiting for what My latest Word shall be. In case I could really be worthy of being your latest guru, youíre waiting for what My next word shall be, waiting to be told just who you are and what you should do.


   But it doesn't matter what We have ever said to you. There has always been something lacking for you, something more that We should say or do. You always feel the need for just a little more; some further explanation, some process or exercise, some method to explore before you can understand, apply or trust what we are telling. No matter how much you have given up your Will, or what you have called Will, and served, you're never quite sure of what you are doing it for, having never experienced what you're looking for. And whenever your latest guru has fallen short of doing it for you, you have moved on to the next guru, hoping he will do more, because after all, what art guru's for?


   I have been watching you do this for ever so long without understanding what you are doing it for. Moving from one guru to the next, you all move in a clump, embracing whatever religious views are, somehow, in with your ďsetĒ; sometimes appearing like nothing more than one great insatiable carnivore; so many mouths with grinning teeth, so many beseeching eyes that speak of a hunger that knows no relief, so many outstretched arms ready to grab a piece of the guru that comes within reach.


   Sometimes angry with you, sometimes annoyed, sometimes forlorn and nearly crazy, My Light has tried to help you for so very long; and try to help you without making you lazy. But in the end, it has done no good. You have repeatedly judged every guru crazy and remained just as lazy as you were before.


   Now your problem is Original Cause. You think you like Right Use of Will; at least the concepts are mentally entertaining, but you don't see how Original Cause could really be true given the God you have always thought you knew. It must need more explaining. How could these words be spoken by God you always thought you knew? He would speak so calmly. He would only reassure you.


   Or is it the Mother speaking so softly and reassuringly to you? After all, mothers donít rage, only fathers do. And whatever happened to the Old Testament God who use to rage and rain down punishment on you? Is He another old guru you judged to be crazy and left behind when He no longer suited you? Could he be the same one speaking to you now? Could that God be Me after having passed through a long period of trying to get love across to you?


   I have tried every way that I know, but nothing is going to work for you unless you get moving what is not moving in you. You donít know who is speaking to you and you don't know if these books are true. That is part of your problem. It is nothing new and something you cannot resolve if you don't get moving what is not moving in you.


   Youíre giving it a try though. Youíve gone along with Me as far as reading these books. You are trying to make up your mind whether this could be truth or not, especially since it has appeared in such an unlikely spot, not from a guru you thought would tell you. 


   Problem is, you are still trying to use your minds to reach down into your feelings and see if what I say here is true or not. Problem is, your feelings cannot rise up to you and help you understand if what I have to say is really true or not because your Wills are not vibrating here. Problem is, your minds have pushed too much into your subconscious to let you see that your Original Cause is right there in front of your face. It is written all over every place that you have ever gone and all over everything you have ever done. It is written all over you and all over everything you do. 


   You are looking all over for your Original Cause when it's right there in front of you. I cannot help but see it a matter how much you have tried not to let Me see it. I can see all I need to know about you in one glance and do not need to question Myself about whether it is right or true anymore. I know without having to look any more deeply into you.


   You need to move only a little bit to see that Original Cause is repeating in your life right now, and from there you could see that your Original Cause is your original experience with Me. One big reason you are so blind and cannot see is because you have not processed your present life as thoroughly as it needs to be. There's so much there you don't get see. The reason is, you will have to feel more to see more, and whether you let yourself know it or not, feeling more, as far as you can see, is just feeling more dark terror and misery of hidden rage that has no light. As far as you can see, your lost Will is just a dark weight pulling you down in space, a weight which your presentation face says you don't have and your presentation life says isnít real. You think the things held there are not yours and nothing you should have to feel. You try to live above this dark weight and act like it isn't there. If anyone sees it, you behave as if to say, ďI don't know what that dark weight is doing thereĒ. It might as well be a shark attacking a hapless victim in the sea.


   And even if you want to take My word for it and consider that Original Cause may be true, you haven't been able to find an emergence place that seems to be quite right for you. The subject of God and sex is troublesome for you, but even if you accept that what I have said is true and I really did things that seem so outrageous to you, you still would not be sure where you emerged, because you have not found any orgasm that seemed to be the one for you. Although there are many variations of love making not described in what I have told, the issue for you is not whether hands were involved or not, were legs were located, or what position we were in. The issue for you, still, is feeling like you don't fit in. The issue is not being able to feel it inside of yourselves the way you need to know if it's really true.


   You think you might find your place if I would only mention an orgasm where there was a wedding first and that a proper method of coupling for the purpose of bringing children into the world, but even that would still bring it down from that holy place you thought you had found, were you believed that God did not need orgasm or sex to create, but lifted all that energy, instead, to a higher place.


   Even though you feel this way, many of you still will say you do not believe in Original Sin, which just could as well be called original misunderstanding or Original Cause. When you want to separate sex from My Light, it certainly appears to Me that you believe some place within you that sex is wrong i.e. a sin. Otherwise, why couldnít you find a place within Me for having sex? Placing sex outside of God is placing sex outside of love, and that, by the way, is Original Sin.


   You say I'm Omnipotent, Omnisentient and Omnipresent. Doesn't that mean I originated everything? If I originated everything, and where did sex begin?


   The problem for you is that you don't want to look because you might not like what you see. The problem for you is that actually you feel left out, but rather than feel the fear involved, you would rather say it's really the other way; sex is not part of My Life. The problem for you is that there was no orgasm where you emerged, only ejaculation.


   So, if you're skeptical instead of the eager about seeing your Original Cause with Me, you need to move back, not away from Me, but into the past of this life and process it until you see the patterns you need to see.


   My Light is not moving now as it has in the past, but this does not mean you have to understand Me or that you have grown past your fears and buried old images of Me. You all have buried parts of you that still see Me as intolerant and intolerably punitive God, a Father you could never please, a Father you knew in your past, a Father you could not make sense of or get through to with your point of view, but who still punished you, and never gave you a chance to explain your point of view if He happened to glance upon any wrongdoing. Thinking you have moved past this is why most of you I'm talking to now havenít moved into Original Cause. You think you walked away from this father and never looked back.


   You need to move back and back through your life until you can remember even back past your birth to the sex your parents had when they made you. What were they feeling towards themselves and each other then? After all, you were part of it or they could not have conceived you. How trapped by the ways and the mores of their times or reactionary toward them where they?


   What they denied will tell you all lot about what you got. The chance is one hundred percent that you got a part or a lot of their denials. That's why each generation wonders how the next one got that way.


   But how do you go back into something you cannot feel or remember with nothing inside you can trust to know? One way is to try letting your First Parents explain, then, when you know what you need to know, you can risk moving a little bit and this little bit will become more and more. 


   Lost from the Light you need, you are all so anxiously expectantly encircling Me because you think I finally just may or just might open that door to you and give you some of the Light that has been so long hidden there.


   Take a deep breath; the feelings you have are alright. Even though you may not know it yet, or are not sure, you have finally found the right door, and you are right, and you have always been right; it's My bedroom door.


   Now, doesn't that make you feel queer after so long a time of Me seeming to not want you near? After so long a time of hearing Me say, just as your fathers do, "Leave Me alone, I need space from you, give Me My privacy", and of pretending this way that I don't see and you don't see Me because Iím not looking at you and you are not looking at Me.


   After so long a time of narrowing the spectrum of Our perceptions in order to create an illusion of privacy to protect what We felt wasnít safe or comfortable to let others see, you are hearing Me now turn around and say, ďIt is all right, relax, get real, it's a new day". After so long a time of keeping this gap in place between you and Me by not mentioning what We thought we were not suppose to see, I am telling you I realize you have a right to know what I tried to keep hidden, but what took place, nonetheless, between your Mother and Me.


   I know this isn't going to be easy to go into with Me, but after so long, arenít you lonely for parents who really see you and love and accept you for whatever you are? If so, I want you to acknowledge is this to Me. Giving you Light is not just a matter of opening My door. It is a matter also of whether you can stand what's in store for you when you face the reflection you have to face if I open My door to you any further than I have done before.


   If you want to face this reflection, I want you to acknowledge your feelings to Me. What do you feel about this? Because yes long ago; I did put you out, in the middle of the night, when your Mother and I were having a terrible fight. I put you out because you were having a terrible fright, and that is why, as much as you have wanted to know what goes on in here, you are also afraid of what you might see and what you might hear, of what you might feel and of what you might be.


   Even though you don't like to, I want you to listen to Me and let Me tell you some things that you have not known before in a cognitive way. I am going to speak now about that which I never would say, and I what I ask from you in return is that you give Me the most real response that you can have and let Me see how dedicated you are to healing this with Me.


   Let's start by looking back over your lives to see if you all asked yourselves the same questions or not, had the same feelings or not, the same hidden fears of no love or not, and most of all, the same lots in life; dysfunctional families who could not let you grow to know yourselves because nothing was known about how to know in these families, where love was a story with pictures it never came true but, instead, remained something to distant and hard to reach for little you; something so out of reach that you stop trying to find what you never knew and could not find because you began believing it could never be true for you.


Pages 1 through 9


Right Use of Will

Heart Song

Vibrating Heartlessness To Let Heart In

Ceanne DeRohan

Four Winds Publishing




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