The First Creation
I have always been, but realizing I had existence took a long time. There was a point in My progression when I became aware that I had existence. When I became aware of Myself, I already knew many things but I had to realize them.
When consciousness became aware that it had existence, it had to realize everything. Nothing was realized yet except that I had become aware of Myself. Consciousness had to feel also or it could not know. In fact, a feeling of having consciousness is the way in which I realized I had consciousness. There were no words at first, only a feeling that I had existence. I had desire to know more.
Already, although I did not know it, I had Lost Will that did not believe I could know more. I had given birth to fear and did not know it because I had no understanding. This fear then became Lost Will because I did not realize that I had to allow myself to feel it. I had a desire not to believe that I could know of nothing more about Myself and so I ignored the fear. Ignoring this fear gave birth to denial which the fear then received from Me.
I did not know then that I was love, and I did not realize I had given unlovingness in the form of denial of My love to My fear. I did realize that something did not feel good. I had had an experience and I pondered it. I had a beginning concept of progression or time, although no way to measure it. I realized that I had pondered this "not feeling good" someplace in Myself for a while.
I had the concept of a place within Myself then also. I tried to find a place that did not feel good so I could know it. I had just started My search when I realized there were many more places that did not feel good than I had realized before I began looking for them. In realizing I felt bad; I realized I had been feeling good. I wondered if it was right to try to feel myself. I wondered if it was right to feel that some places felt good and others did not. I wondered if trying to feel them made these places not feel good. I felt confusion and fear. I wanted something that could explain it to Me so I could know. I felt lonely and somewhat timid about trying to feel myself for fear of what I might find.
All of this passed fleetingly through My consciousness while I was trying to ignore it in favor of my desire to know more. My desire to know more was leading Me on. I found on many things in My own way at that time. I stumbled onto most of them by having an experience and then realizing it. I felt most impatient with Myself. Already guilt had been born in Me as a little voice telling me that I should be doing better than I was doing.
I had realized many more things than I could list. You must feel within yourselves to find your memory of what you experienced in a latent state of consciousness, for you were all of there in a state of slumber, and you have the ability to know how existence began. These original experiences have affected you ever since. You need to go back to the origins of your consciousness to know what your earliest experiences were, just as I had to understand mine, because Lost Will has its origins there also.
Most of My worshipers tell Me I have always been because they have preference for a God who understands everything and tells them what they are ready to hear. You have to understand that that is not possible to know understanding unless you have the ability to feel whether it is right or not. And so, some things cannot be told now because you must work your way back, starting with where you are now, and it is going to take a long time to get to the Lost Will that knows what your original experiences were. You need to feel Lost Will moving in Me now to know whether you shared the experience with me or not.
My earliest memory is that of having a feeling that I was. This feeling was vague a first, but it startled Me out of a reverie that I felt I had been in. I had a feeling at that time that I wished I had not startled Myself out of that reverie. Lost Will has this feeling now. Some Lost Will does not want to move for fear movement will take it out of its reverie.
As I tell this story, you need to realize that everything I say is being acted out on Earth right now because it has not yet been resolved. As you look around you and see that this is true, you must also let yourself feel it, because this cannot be fully understood by just seeing and thinking. I have found this out.
I had a growing fear of feeling, as you may have already noticed. I wanted to feel only the bliss in which I had awakened, but I could no longer sleep all the time. I had a dilemma. Even though I had questions, I did not know how to entertain Myself if I could not sleep all the time. At the same time, My great excitement over realizing that I was interfering with my sleep.
"I am," I kept telling myself, "I am, but what am I, who am I, where I am, and what does it mean to be?" I had questions so many questions about Myself.
Most of the time I felt that I wanted to find the answers and know myself. Sometimes I had fear that I should not have so many questions because the questions were not allowing Me to be peaceful with Myself. I felt urged on to find answers. I had discussions with myself. Part of Me did not like it that I had awakened at all. Part of me felt all right about having consciousness as long as it could be peaceful consciousness. There were many other small voices with points of view I will not mention now because I barely heard them then. Most of the rest of Me wanted to find answers to the questions I had.
I had guilt then, too, but I did not know it was guilt that said that My search to know should not bother the part of Me that had a desire for peace. I felt guilty just for being and for not wanting to stay asleep.
The first thing I felt I had to figure out was how to know. I had a lot of questions and almost no answers. I had desire to know and I had feelings. I was not sure whether I feelings or thoughts first. In My memory, it seemed as though I had experienced feelings and thoughts as one and the same thing. Perhaps only as I reflected upon them did they seem at all different or separate. I wanted to experience something more to know if I had feelings and thoughts. I was not sure if I had feelings and thoughts or even if I had experiences. Perhaps I only thought that this was happening and it was not really happening. Absurd as it may sound, I was seized by the fear that I did not exist but only thought that I did. Perhaps thought was all there was to Me. And yet, something reminded Me that I have responded to Myself somehow. What was it that had responded? Was it Me talking to Myself or was it someone else? I felt a maddening feeling in Myself, but I did not allow it to express at that time.
"You're driving yourself crazy with too much thinking," something in Me said."Drop it, go back to sleep."
You see I had words already, although I did not then actually speak or say to Myself," Oh, I have words." I was just, in some way I did not understand, letting Myself know how I felt.
Already, I had a desire to split Myself in pieces so that some of Me could go back to sleep and some of Me could go on searching for the answers to My many questions. Some of Me still had a desire to sleep, but most of Me was already busy in My mind and moving so fast that I thought I did not need sleep anymore.
I had a plan that I thought would let me know whether thoughts or feelings were first or causal. I felt that I had to know because I did not like having to feel feelings that did not feel good and I wanted to find out if I could get rid of them.
From the beginning, I had a feeling that something within Me did not belong there, but it has taken all this time to figure out exactly what it is. Then, I just felt it and did not know the difference between feeling it and it. For this reason, the Will feared from the very beginning that it could not let Me know how felt unless it felt good.
Even though I had all these questions, I still needed time to sleep. I realized that even in My sleep some parts of Myself were aware and other parts were not. I had another question then. Was the unawareness part of Me or not? I had to know whether I had awareness in all of Me or not. I did have feelings and now I had a plan that My feelings could let Me know whether I was alive or not. The question of whether I was alive or not gave Me another realization. If I did not know whether I existed or only thought that I did, then I had an imagination. Still I had to know whether I was real or not.
Lost Will does not know whether it is part of Me or not, and is only just now going to find out that it is part of Me. Lost Will is just now going to find out that it is a part of Me because I did not know Myself in the beginning and my efforts to know Myself did not give Me all the information I needed. This was because I had frightened the Will out of giving Me all the input I needed.
I have gone on for as long as I can go on with parts of the Lost Will outside of Myself. The Lost Will must come in now and be healed; not only because it has been lost as long as it can stand to be, but also because the Will needs to open more space if my light is going to expand anymore. Evolving light is expanding light, and so there cannot be any more evolvement until there is openness to receive it. In other words, resistance to my Light must now move back.
If you have the feeling that God could not have been this unknowing in the beginning, then you need to consider that you may be getting triggered without knowing it. This is good if you want to heal your own Lost Will.
Now, to return to My plan to know Myself: I felt that I had to return to the original state in which I discovered Myself and experience it again. I have since realized that this could not really be done, but at that time, I did not know it. The success I did have was due to My memory, but I did not know that at the time either. At that time, I thought I had actually gone back to sleep in all of Myself and was going to be awakened again. I had the experience alright and much to My surprise, I noticed something I did not notice the first time: Movement had awakened me.
I had a new dilemma on My hands now. Not only had I discovered movement, but I had a feeling it was not Me that had moved. I was mad at Myself for not knowing if it was Me or not that had moved, and I was also angry at this moment, whatever it was, because it had awakened Me into the torment I was experiencing instead of leaving Me in the reverie where I had felt such bliss. I resented being awakened by this "thing" that I felt was not Me and I blamed it.
Before I even knew I had a Will, all of these feelings became Lost Will because I also had an ecstasy of awareness that I did not want to disturb with what I have just described for fear it would turn the ecstasy sour. Part of the Lost Will from then on has tried to hide from Me for fear it was the cause of My problems.
This "thing" that had responded to Me gave Me strange feelings that I was not alone, and I still have Lost Will manifestations from this time that give others eerie feelings that they are not alone, and yet if something is there, it cannot be found. You see, I was creating already and did not know it. Everything rippling through My consciousness either passed on through and was gone, or found a home in the magnetic essence which gave it the means to remain present. What I was creating could not yet go forth into manifestation, but if it found a home, it was becoming present within Me as differentiations in My consciousness. All of this consciousness had points of view that were not always aligned with what I wanted My main purpose to be.
I had a desire to know Myself, as I have said, and I did not know if it was only
Me I was getting to know. I had intent to ignore things I did not like, but I did not know that. Then, I was subtly deciding that these things were not Me. I had quite a bit of Lost Will before I really got started in the creating business. I had desire to get rid of anything I did not like, and I also needed to know what was out there beyond what I had already felt.
I had it neatly rationalized, but I had intent to get "the thing" that had moved to go out there and tell Me what it had found. "The thing" went along with this plan of mine, even though it did not like the plan, because of the fear and guilt it was already holding without My knowing it was holding these things. "The thing" that had moved was the Will, of course, but I had not realized that either. I wanted it to go, to move, however it could, and see what it found. And, no question about it, I planned to lose a "this thing" once it let Me know what it had found.
I had a fear of “the thing” and “the thing” had a fear of Me. Even though We did not feel comfortable with one another, moving apart still seemed more frightening than holding still. We had a standoff for time I cannot measure. I had feelings moving so fast in Me, I did not know how to measure what happened. “The thing” had feelings of guilt that made it feel it had to help Me solve the problems it had caused Me.
"The thing" also had a fear of moving that I did not understand at the time. It seemed to Me that this "thing" would move when I didn't want to, and then resist moving when I want it to move. The Will felt guilty because it knew what I was feeling. I had judged the Will already without realizing it and the Will took this in. Fear and guilt in the Will increased and I did not know why. I was feeling like I did not want it around anymore, and I gave it a push that sent it moving out much faster than it was prepared to handle.
Pushing the Will in this way let Me know that I could move too. I had so many feelings rush into Me concerning this movement that I was awash in them for quite some time before I felt an urge to try and find out what "the thing" I had pushed out was experiencing out there.
I was afraid I had blown my whole experiment because I had been so busy with My own realizations that I haven't received anything from "the thing". Then I felt it and realized that I had been feeling all along without noticing. I had been experiencing a great rush of speed almost like a wind, but what jolted Me into awareness of it was that I began receiving from "the thing" the growing feeling of terror that it could not stop itself. I suddenly had a desire to help it but I could not. I did not know how. I had a feeling of helplessness. The Will has had such a fear of displeasing Me that it has not been able to tell Me until now that it has a terror of falling and a terror of speed that has not passed from Lost Will even now. At the time it first fell, I could do nothing but watch it fall in space until it was gone.
I had another understanding now: I could see. I had just seen the Will fall away from Me, and nothing else has ever been so vivid in My mind before. I had had a feeling that I could see, but I hadn't had anything to see before. Now I just witnessed what I thought was another being going into the darkness and not return. I had an uneasy feeling that this had not been pleasant for it and I began to feel guilty that I had caused it to happen.
I did not know then that I had grown bigger, and could not help but to move the Will back to make more room for my increasing light. I felt guilty that I had pushed so hard, but fear and ineptitude had caused Me to do it. I felt it wasn't right to have done it, but I had done it involuntarily. I didn’t know I was going to do it until I had already done it. I had a feeling of remorse and felt I had lost something I had to have. I had loved "the thing" that have moved and did not know it until I lost it. I discovered love by losing it. I had great emotional depression for a long time.
Right Use of Will
The unseen Role of Denial
Four Winds Publishing
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