The Second Creation
I had lost the part of my Will that could move. I had great peace now but I did not care. I did not care about anything. I had no movement in my Will now. I had lost everything that had a desire to know more. I lost most of My feelings and had a feeling I could not move. I had a fear I wasn't getting any place now because I had no impetus to push Me onward. My plan had not been a good one and my bad intent cost me more than I had realized I had. The Will was lost in space and I have no way to get it. I had nothing holding Me back from My loneliness now, and I experienced the most intense loneliness I have ever known. The Lost Will was gone, I was just sure of it; and if the Lost Will could go, then I could go. I had even more terror now that just when I was getting started, I could not live.
I had more feelings to feel now, but they were the most unpleasant feelings I had yet known. I became overwhelmed with the terror that I was falling in space Myself and that My Light was getting snuffed out by the overwhelming darkness around Me. I had a fear that there was nothing out there and no one to help Me.
Finally, I had a feeling that I must try to grab for something but I could find nothing to grab. I grabbed in anyway because I could not help Myself.
"Lo and behold!" I fell upon something dark and heavy. It ignited at My touch and exploded with a golden light. The golden light surrounded me and gave me a warmth that I had not known for so long that I had forgotten I ever had it. I Sobbed with gratitude for having found that warmth again in the midst of My terrible terror. Nothing could hold Me back any more; I was going to have to find the Lost Will. I had the desire to find it now and felt that the warmth I now had would enable Me to move.
I grabbed at everything I passed now to see if it would explode at My touch. I tried hurling My entire being against things I found that were larger. Many, but not all, of these things burst into light at My touch, but they required an intense touch in order to move. I was striking Myself against many hard and dark things, but I was receiving a good feeling of increasing light from doing this. I had great joy now for I realized I was finding the Lost Will. The Lost Will was letting Me know it was not gone, but it had lost the ability to move and feel. The Will had had no way to let Me know it was out there hoping for rescue from the Great terror in which it had ceased to feel or move.
Why it had stopped moving I did not yet know, but I was overwhelmed with happiness that I had found it. I had guilt mixed in with My love then, but I did not have enough experience to realize it. The guilt made Me feel happier to find the Lost Will than I would have been had I not felt responsible for losing it. I now had to realize the feeling the Will's terrible experience was what had made Me feel so guilty for having pushed it out. The great peace I sought to attain by pushing out the restless part of Myself had not been peace after all because I couldn't rest easy with Myself in the presence of the guilt over what I had done.
I had guilt telling Me that morals were necessary Whether I liked it or not, and I did not like it because guilt seemed to be saying that I was not right to have done what I wanted to do. I had had desire to get rid of the Will, and I could not be happy afterwards because I had guilt. I began to notice that I had guilt most of the time I had feelings. If I had happiness over experience, I felt guilty that it wasn't right to have so much exhilaration in the face of the part of Me that still wanted to sleep. If I had fear, I felt guilt for having fear, as though part of Me did not like it. No matter what part of Me felt, if another part of Me did not feel the same, I had guilt telling me that it was unloving to have movement without agreement and that it was unloving to disagree. Why did I want to have feelings at all?
I had forgotten all about My plan to know Myself. I was awash in emotions once more and getting no place it seemed. I had a feeling I could not move anymore without emotions getting in the way. I was so mad at Myself for this I could not stand in anymore. I pushed on the Will again.
The Will was so afraid that it had the feelings toward displeasing Me and felt so guilty for having these feelings that it did not object to Me pushing on it again until I had already done it. As soon as the Will felt itself moving away from Me, the terror of its first experience was activated. I had intent to get rid of the Will again, but the Will refused to allow it this time. The terror was greater than the guilt, and so instead of falling away, the Will grabbed Me and pulled itself back in.
Immediately the Will felt ashamed of itself, but nonetheless, it refused to let go of Me. The Will begged Me not to make it leave and promised not to make Me unhappy anymore if it could help it. The Will had more fear of going out there than it had of Me now. The Will also had more desire to please Me than ever because the Will feared that I had tried to get rid of it because it had displeased Me. The Will had gone out there because it feared I had good reason to get rid of it, and guilt had told the Will that it was right to fear that I had reason to get rid of it. The Will also felt that it had suffered so much in that experience that it was not right to have to suffer that way anymore.
I promised the Will it would not have to suffer like that anymore if I could help it. I held the Will for as long as I can remember then, and the Will held on to Me also. I had a desire not to allow the Will to move. I wanted to sleep now. I had an intense desire to rest after the experiences we both had. Even though the Will had exhaustion, it was not ready to sleep. It needed to move until it felt more comfortable, but its fear and guilt would not let it. After all, it had promised me it would not move when I did not want it to.
Long after I had already gone to sleep, the Will still was not comfortable with its self and needed to move. I had created the impression in the Will that more than one presence meant that We were going to have to deny ourselves in favor of the other one in order to get along. The Will really want to please Me, but the Will could not sleep and the will also had another fear. Besides fearing that moving would displease Me, it feared not moving. Allowing itself to go to sleep, now that it was afraid of going the unconscious, was very difficult for it to do.
Finally, the Will forced a very strong intent to sleep upon itself, and when it was not noticing, fell into a very deep sleep in which it began to move. At first the Will just twitched a little. When I did not seem to notice, the Will allowed itself more movement. It began quietly wiggling, first in one part and then in another. If I stirred, the Will would stop until I appeared to be deeply asleep again. The Will had fear of displeasing Me all the while it was moving. This fear increased its guilt that fear was what it always gave Me. After the Will had been wiggling for quite some time, it realized that it was still afraid I would push it out again if its movement displeased Me. The Will had desire to move even more than it was already moving, but would not let itself for fear of what would happen.
I was aware of all of this as though sleeping with one eye open. I had a desire not to harm the Will anymore and I tried to let the Will's movement rock Me in a way that I could find pleasant without being awakened. Soon I did find it to be pleasant to be. . . I have no word for this in English so I'll have to try to approximate it with several words. . . Gently and warmly rippled, rocked and lifted in space all at once.
I did have an intense desire not to allow movement that I could not handle, and the Will was doing Her best not to get thrown out anymore. I felt we had an agreement now that was working because I was getting intense pleasure from what I was feeling. I was having such intense pleasure; I had an orgasm without knowing orgasm was possible. I felt intense ecstasy for a long time, and yet I wondered if the Will had shared it with Me.
I was in a pleasant state of floating and was just drifting back to sleep when I recognized that things were too quiet. I had an eerie feeling it will have frozen in terror that it was not right to of doneness. I had an eerie feeling that the Will had frozen in the terror that it was not right to have done this. I had a feeling that they Will had been holding back all along out of fear of disturbing Me and now was not going to let Me feel her until she knew whether I was angry not.
I had to let Her know that I was not angry with Her over this, and yet in realizing She was hiding, I suspected She had not experienced the pleasure I had or She would know that I was not angry. I then experienced guilt that she had not experienced the same pleasure. Lost Will has My blame as well as all the other feelings I thought I had to deny here to make our partnership work.
I had to feel Her to know whether I was right or not, and she was trying not to let Me find Her. It was not easy to make Her hear Me above the roar of fear and guilt within Her, but I finally succeeded in getting Her to listen. She was very relieved and glad to realize that this time; I had not minded the movement and had, in fact received immense pleasure from it. I told Her that I wanted to rest now but later I would enjoy if she made pleasurable movements again. I wondered if I could ever have pleasure as intense as that original and unexpected pleasure, but I also had a strong desire to experience of more pleasure after having so much fear, pain and loneliness.
Rest did not prove to be possible now as I had a great attack of loneliness just remembering how it had been for Me for so long. I had managed to get the Will to listen to Me, but the Will still had not moved or let Me feel Her. I had experienced pleasure with the Will now, drifted towards sleep, and startled with the eerie feeling that I was all alone again. I could not shake the feeling. I had held in more loneliness than I knew and it all seemed to come bursting forth now. Maybe I was only talking to Myself after all. I realize now that I had Lost Will I didn't know I had, and that it had been touched and moved by the explosion of my orgasm.
I had really thought I had a Her in there that had a complementary function to mine. I had just felt for the first time how good it could be to have a complementary relationship, and now it seemed to be gone. My loneliness seemed more intense than if I had never known the pleasure of Her. I beseeched Her to come out and to be partners with Me and She would not. She did not trust Me.
I tried many things to coax the Will to move and let Me feel Her and none of them worked. The more things I tried without success, the more I begin to feel that I was alone. Perhaps the Will had sneaked out before I could push Her. Perhaps there was nothing in there to come out. If I had scared the Will that much with my orgasm, perhaps I had experienced something that wasnít right. I had experienced pleasure and apparently, Will had not, otherwise wouldn't She be here with Me now in happy celebration of our new found ability to get along?
I felt worse than ever now. I had known more pleasure than I had ever felt before and now more loneliness that I'd ever felt before. I had fear at first that I could not get along with another being and had had a desire to get rid of Her. Now I feared I was getting what I deserved for having mistreated Her so much in the past. I had the voice of guilt telling Me that punishment was what I deserved because I had misjudged and mistreated Her. I had even called Her "It" and "The Bothersome Thing" in the beginning without bothering to feel "The Thing" enough to find out it had all the qualities now associated with the feminine.
I had hurled Her out into space to be lost in terror. I had feared "this thing," and without much effort at any other approach, I have tried to get it away from Me so that I did not have to fear it or be bothered by it. I also realized again that I had loved it or Her, and had not allowed Myself to realize that could not get rid of the feelings I didn't like without getting rid of Her. She was changeable; I knew that now. I had thought unpleasantness was a thing that I could get rid of, and had not realized it also had the feelings I now loved. I saw that movement had brought it from feelings I didn't like to feelings I did like. Now that I had realized all of this, why wasn't the Will opening to Me?
I had to ponder that question for a long time to know that the Will had to move the feelings it already had to be able to receive new feelings.
It did not matter how much I now had to tell it or how hard I tried to get it across; Will was not able to receive Me unless it opened and it had to move to open. I did not know then how to get it moving. I did not know that I had to help it move by going into the Will and receiving what it was holding so that it could move onto something else. I thought I only had to let it know that I no longer had the feelings toward it that I had been having. I didn't know I had to feel with it.
And so, there I sat, preaching to the Will and exhorting Her to come forth and be with Me. It was a long time before I understood that the Will was too afraid of displeasing Me to move and to come forth even if it had wanted to, which it did not at that time.
The Will was holding still because She had so much fear of feeling what She was feeling. She had clenched to avoid the pain of it. She did not know She had My acceptance this time to move Her pain by moving Her feelings. My Light and love would have flowed into Her this time but She did not know it. She was caught in fear from the past that I would not accept Her. She feared that if She opened to expressing how She felt, She would receive denial of light and love again. She had many more feelings at that time also, but She could not move any of them because She had too much fear of Me pushing Her out. She had thought I enjoyed moving with Her this last time, but She was too afraid to find out for sure in case She didn't have the right understanding.
The terror of falling in space and becoming unable to move or vibrate in any way has haunted the will ever since that first experience and this is why the Will must be healed now. The Will cannot stand the idea of going into any more terror of that intensity. The Will has held the deepest terror of that experience all of this time, and it has no desire to have to experience it anymore. The terror never moved in the Lost Will and it has to move now. This terror cannot be held in anymore. Guilt has said, for as long as terror has been there, that it must be held, but guilt, I have come to find, is not a loving presence. Guilt is not concerned with how it feels to have to hold this terror or how feels to be the essence that is trapped in this state of terror.
The Will has experienced this terror over and over on Earth and has not been able to move out of it because guilt has told it that it is more loving to hold it than to express it because others do not like to be around this terror. Guilt has told the Will that no one has acceptance for this terror. The Will has continued to believe this because in the beginning I had no acceptance for it. I have acceptance for it now. Healing it is not possible without feeling it, but feeling terror with light pouring into it and lifting it is a very different experience for this essence than it has been having. Terror has been experiencing itself in ways that have no love or acceptance present.
If terror has tried to move upon experiencing itself, it has been given yet more denial of light and love, and guilt has been there to shame the terror and tell it that it should be able to find a way to accept its experience. Guilt says to terror, "Your feeling is just resistance to God, and if you had acceptance for your experience and trust for God, you would not feel terror." Guilt has been telling terror that it is not right to object to any of the experiences it is been given. The Will has been feeling it cannot oppose the Spirit no matter what the Spirit has in mind for it. This is a very old misunderstanding but the Lost Will has not been able to straighten it out because it has not moved.
I have long since abandoned this approach, but guilt has gone on with it, powered by the essence of spirits that still want to believe it's not right to let the Will move unless itís going to be pleasant. The Will feels its terror alone then, having no way to get the healing light of love from its Spirit.
The Will has held this terror from the very beginning, but I did not know that its initial life experience caused this. I had not gone back on Myself like the Will and I did not really know what this had felt like to the Will. I had a feeling it was not possible to have terror for long. I thought it was the same for the Will. I had felt terror for a while when I begin falling in space, and I had gotten over it. I felt that if I gave Her more time, the Will would emerge again and be with Me.
I waited. During the time I waited I had so many feelings and thoughts go through Me that I have no particular desire to describe them all now, but I do have a desire to bring forward the feelings that I had in a state of denial then because these feelings still have presence on Earth. I had a fear that there really wasn't another being hiding within Me. I had feelings of inadequacy that I could not make the Will come out. I had plenty of anger that I did not want to express for fear it would make the Will hide longer. I had guilt that I had these feelings instead of acceptance for the Will hiding within Me. I had resentment that I had pleaded and she had not responded. I had grief that the Will would not come out and experience with Me. I had fear that She did not love Me now and never had. I had guilt that I did not love Her originally and that She had pain now and would not allow Me to know it. I had guilt that I had pushed on Her, and I had guilt that even now, I could not accept the Wills feelings because I did not like it that She would not come out.
What I did accept in Myself then that has relevance now was the realization that I was now thinking of this other being who had a originally been so to an annoying to me as a Her, and Myself as a Him for reasons I did not understand and which I pondered now. She had impressed Me with a lot of things that I had to realize now. I cannot mention all of them now just as I could not with Myself, but I would like to mention some of the ones that have caused problems all along. She gave Me the feeling I could not live without Her anymore. I had rejection for this because I did not like the feeling dependent on another being. I also had a feeling that she could not live without Me, but I ignored it because I still had independence in mind. She gave me a feeling I could not move without Her anymore, and She gave Me the feeling that I could not feel without Her. She communicated with Me by giving Me feelings and let Me know that she had to experience something coming into Her in order to respond with the feelings she gave Me.
If She gave Me feelings in response to what I gave Her, then I felt that She must have experienced pleasure when I did. I felt annoyed and somewhat vulnerable if this was how it was going to be, because She had given Me a lot of feelings I did not like. If I had caused these feelings, I did not know how I had done so. I felt that if I could not know how I was going to feel in any given experience until I was having it. I had resentment and gratitude that I had a partner, and did not know how to balance the two feelings.
Since I did not feel good about Myself when I felt resentment, I decided not to allow Myself to feel that any more. I decided to be grateful that I was not alone. My resentment went into a state of denial and caused many problems that I am just now being able to solve. The Will received the denied resentment along with the gratitude and love I was now openly extending, and did not feel I was being honest with Her. She was not altogether sure, though, whether I was being dishonest with her or not, because She was also holding back some old feelings She had toward Me. She did not know if it was right or not, but I had made Her feel that I wanted Her to do this.
I have understanding now that it is not right to hold back feeling, but then I did not know the feelings had to move to change. Then I felt I had to draw the line somewhere and not to allow indulgence in feelings I did not like. After all, I had enough problems already and Lost Will holding back did not seem to be one of them. I had questions that needed answers and that seemed much more important than how felt. I have fear, yes, but I still had to know how I came to be, I had to know where I was, I had to know what I was, and I had to know how to go on living because I had become attached to My own existence.
I had already observed space but I did not know if it had limits or not. I had observed Myself to be light and had observed space to be dark, but I was not sure whether this was right or not because I had also observed space appearing to be light if I shone into it. I had already looked around in space as much as I could from within Myself and had tried to send the Will out there to look around.
The Will had told Me that in seeing Me from out in space, I did not appear to move. As the Will fell in space, She had let Me know that She was angry with Me and that I did not make a move to rescue Her. Then she had become terrified that perhaps I did not have the power to rescue her. I had felt like I was moving in space and yet, she had said that was not. This puzzled Me for a long time until I realized that if she felt she was falling away from Me as much as I had felt I was moving away from Her, we must have both moved apart from one another. I had no point of reference earlier to know if I was moving or not except that I had a feeling I was.
At this point in My reflections I had a feeling of fear come into Me from the Will. If space has limits, perhaps we should stop moving. Then she had an immediate rush of guilt that She had given Me fear again, and at the same time remembered that She had not liked it when She had stopped moving.
I realized now that I had to vibrate to live, and when the Will held too still as She had been doing, it did not feel right. I still have a dislike of feeling fear, but I did not like it that the Will was being so still in there. The fear at least let Me know that something had to be done in there whether it was just Me or not, but where had it gone? Even though I had been busy in My mind, I had been waiting for the Will to respond to Me. I had hoped that if she gave any response at all, it would bring Her forth again, but it did not because She still had too much guilt over feeling fear. I did not know then that guilt prevents movement, but I know it now.
I gave up on waiting for Her and tried to pull Her out. This She had an aversion to and sunk into Me even more so that I could not find Her. I had a feeling I did not need Her if she did not like Me. Then She let me know that She did like Me. I tried to coax Her out some more. I had a feeling it would not work and didn't. I hated her for a moment there. She had made Me feel powerless and exasperated. I was frustrated, angry and hurt.
Right Use of Will
The unseen Role of Denial
Four Winds Publishing
Back to Ceanne DeRohan
Back to What's New