The Third Creation
In My mind I had been going on as though She had already emerged. The Will was receiving these images of what would happen if She did come forth and reading them was making Her hold back even longer. She did not like everything She saw in the future and She did not like seeing a future that did not look altogether pleasant to Her anymore than I did. Since she did not want Me to know that she was unable to make Herself feel pleasant toward everything She saw, She did not communicate this to Me. She wondered what would happen to Her if We touched unpleasant places in an emerged state.
also did not like everything I saw, but I did not know how to change it. I told
Her We would find a way to have pleasure and avoid the rest. I also had an undercurrent blame for Her because I believe that it was Her feelings that made some things unpleasant. She felt that I blamed Her and Her guilt increased. Her distrust of Me also increased because I was giving Her impressions with which I was not fully aligned. Later you will see how this lack of alignment did not bring things to pass just as I said they would be. The feeling in the Will of My inadequacy and powerlessness increased every time My predictions did not manifest exactly as I had planned them. Distrust was increasing in the Will toward promises of any kind.
Most people are dealing with this distrust in themselves right now on Earth, and in some places it has manifested as a feminist revolution because the women have gotten disgusted with how the men have been handling things. The truth of the matter is that, all in all, the women will not do any better than the men because there must be balance between the two, as I have found out. Back then, though, I was just a lonely guy in the sky, trying to figure out how to stay alive, and maybe have relationship if I could figure out how to survive in it. The Will, for Her part, felt it wasn't necessary to have Me around if I was going to keep treating Her the way I had been doing. You must be seeing yourself in Me. If you are not, you have not understood how you originated.
Now, back to the guy in the sky. I went through some changes waiting on the doorstep, so speak, for My true love to come out, and She went through some changes inside, looking out at Me and wondering if She had been given any choice or not. She had a desire to know if there was anyone else around at the time. We both wanted to see if anyone else showed up. I tried to fashion someone else for Her, and for Myself, too, of essence I found lying around, but it didn't work. As soon as I stopped holding in place, it slipped back in to Me. She had no response to this except to laugh at Me and hide Her fear.
I grew angry and exasperated and threw a major temper tantrum right there in front of Her. She hid and I had fear that My anger had ruined everything again. She was afraid that She had angered Me, and that I did not love Her when I was angry. My anger had included several explosions in the literal sense of the word. Her guilt and then Her fear had darkened the light of them until I did not know whether she had more power or I did. I had grown accustomed to Myself as light. I was quite fond of My Light, and now the Will was causing Me to fear that She was a dark thing who could even throw darkness into my light. Not only did She now have fear for Me, I have fear of Her. Neither one of us moved for a long time. I had guilt that I had made Her have no more desire for Me, and she had guilt that she had made Me dark again and that I didn't like it.
I held back as long as I could, then, from going after the Will again because I feared I had an impossible situation on my hands. The Will held back also for as long as she could. The Will still had not told Me whether She had had pleasure with Me or not so I was not sure if there was even a reason to go after the Will or not. The Will wanted another part of My Spirit to come forth and be with Me instead of Her. She did not feel She was going to be what I wanted, or that She was going to like what was going to happen if She did come forth.
Nothing happened for so long that I became quite disconsolate and dim.
Loneliness had set in and I given into fear and tears before I felt the Will move again. It seems that She could not stand to see Me suffer the way She had done, especially if She might be the cause of it. She had had to pressure Herself a lot in order to remain still at this time. When She finally did move, I pretended not to notice at first.
There were many reasons I pretended not to notice the Will, which do not need to be listed here except to say that I did not want to look up and see what was going to come forth now and have a reaction that might stop it.
The Will had begun to move within Me again and I began to have a feeling of pleasure. The Will still had fear that it was not right to move, and was only doing it because She could not hold still any longer. She was holding back as much as She could and did not move very much at first. There were ripples through Me and wiggles here and there, then nothing more for a long time. I hoped it would not be such a long time as it had been before She moved again. Apparently I encouraged Her by appearing not to notice, because She did give in to more movement. Her fear was relieved when I appeared not to notice Her, but this did not satisfy Her because She had a desire to be accepted exactly as she was and loved. She also had a desire for Me, but I did not know it then.
Lost Will was not participating in this movement in the Will but I did not know it then. I have understood this now and that is why I'm going into these initial experiences more than I would have thought necessary in the past. In the past I have noticed what was moving in response to my Light, but I have not noticed what was not moving in response to My light. I had a hard time noticing Lost Will because it did not have light and I could only find it by feeling is presence. Feeling its presence is something I avoided as long as I could.
The Will let Me know that She did not feel good in places in Herself, and when I tried to find them, I could not. The Will then felt guilty as though there was no basis for Her complaints. I have since learned that My light either reflected back to Me off the Lost Will, or that Lost Will hid from Me altogether. Either way, it was a long time before I knew it was really there.
Now, many have said that it is impossible for God not to know everything, but I have not realized anything without having experience to tell Me what it is. I hesitate to say this now, but I had to have my Will have an experience outside of Me so that I could know what it was like to be without My light. Lost Will was without My light and had a desire to receive it. At the time I was having this experience, I did not realize I was having it, for reality is I could not have done it if I had known what I was doing. I had to understand My experience after it happened, begins at the time it was happening, I received such a shock from My feeling body that I could not stay present for it. I had no way of knowing, without having my Will go outside of Me, what it was like to be without light or love present. I had to push My Will outside of Me and have Her feel what it was like to be Lost Will in space.
I had to push My Will outside of Me on a wave of hate; otherwise there would have been some light and love present to sustain Her, and She would not have had the experience We needed. I did not know how this would feel to Her, and when I did feel it, the feeling was so terrible, I had to disconnect from Her. She had to receive this denial in order to have the experience We needed, and in the passionate fury I had worked Myself into in order to hate Her, I thought I did not care what She had to experience.
Later, I realized that this action had increased the Lost Will tremendously. I did not know whether I could ever heal it or not and yet, I had responded to an instinct in Me that new this experience could not be avoided. Why? Because My instinct knew that I had to know what death was in order to live.
I had already experienced growing dim and falling in space, and I did not know why. I did know I had to have light to live and that I had to know how to sustain it. The Will was holding back Her emergence because She already felt that I was going to push Her out again. She has such a dread of it that She could not even allow Herself to find out whether I really had to do this again or not. She could not stand to feel anything about it, and therefore, I did not receive the full feeling of Her experience at that time. It was the best We could do given the circumstances. It was difficult enough to realize that We were already fading again and yet had an attachment to continuing, without going into My plan to solve it.
We tried to detach Ourselves from the desire to go on living. Each of Us ignored the Other and Ourselves in an attempt to ignore Our existence, Our feelings about existence, and Our impending death. It was only a matter of time. We both knew it. We told Ourselves it was all right. We told ourselves We didn't care. We told ourselves it would be better than the struggle it took to live. We told ourselves We had come into being and We could do it again. This only served to remind the Will of the terror She had felt going back on Herself. She begged Me to tell Her it wouldn’t happen anymore. I told Her I could not promise Her anything, but perhaps dissipation would be less painful than compression. Perhaps We would not feel anything.
The Will tried not to feel anything. We floated there for un measured time growing more and more dim. We try to get rid of Our desire to live and could not. The Will wished ardently, so ardently that I regard it as the birth of prayer, for some other chunk of Us to come forward and do the job instead of Her.
In reality, neither of Us could stand to look at the future. The past looked better to Me than the dismal prospects ahead. The Will didn’t want to look at anything. Every time We had a desire for anything other than what was happening, We noticed that We grew more dim. Actually, Lost Will was increasing, but we did not know it then. The Will feared that desire and preference were not right, and She felt guilty that She had preferences.
I had great impatience now. I had a great desire to go forth and not be held back by the fear that could not be handled.
"One thing is sure", I told the Will, "We’re going down if We stay here, so come forth and get moving and make Me warm again."
The Will moved somewhat and gave Me some warmth, and then lay still again in spite of all My entreaties toward Her.
I had just about resigned Myself to dying, because I realized that I had to have the Will to survive. I had already tried everything I could to try not to grow dimmer. I could think of nothing more. The Will had to move, and it seemed that the Will decided it would be better to die than to have to feel what She would feel if She moved. I had an attack of fury that the Will seem to be free to do as She pleased in spite of My wishes. I wished She did not have that freedom. I thought I had tried everything I knew, but I had not realized I could have tried just loving and wooing Her and helping Her to desire to come out of Me. I did not know that to Her, loving Her meant accepting Her as She was and helping Her to go through Her fear first. I thought I had not time for Her fear. I thought We would never move if Her fear were allowed to get the upper hand.
She was already holding back out of fear anyway, so I finally got the impression from Her that I needed to help Her with Her fear. How? Most the time I felt like I didn’t have fear, only anger at Her for having fear. Whenever I allowed My anger, Her fear seemed to worsen.
"I try not to have anger, You should try not to have fear," I told her.
She had even more guilt then for having fear.
"You really are impossible," I told Her. "Your fear is what's killing Us, not My anger."
She gave Me the feeling then that My anger had caused Her fear. I had just felt blame toward Her, and now I was feeling guilty about blaming Her and anger that She blamed Me. I hated Her for that and for not letting Me live. She hated Me for not allowing Her Her fear; not because She had a good time feeling fear, but because She couldn't stand holding it. We turned our backs on one another, so speak. Each of us felt it was the others fault that We were not going to live. Neither one of us felt there was any point in making up because We didn't know how to save Ourselves anyway.
I grew very disconsolate and just sat there in abject resignation. I had grief and could not move it. I cannot move anything anymore because the Will would not help Me move. I had grown more and more dim and did not have much consciousness left. I had feelings of fear now that I had done Myself in by not being able to learn how to stay alive. I had a feeling there was nothing else that could help Me now. The Will had to move or die.
I felt frozen and feared the Will was not conscious anymore. I had guilt that I had not treated Her well, and that was why She wouldn’t help Me now. No matter what I thought I had, there was a feeling of nothing responding to Me now. I felt utterly alone.
I had just given into death when I felt the movement in My Will. It was just a little movement at first and it had an edge on it of anger and fear that even now I would not really let it move. It had decided to live! I knew it now!
"No such thing," the Will let Me know. "I just have a terrible time holding still and I can't stand it anymore."
She gave Me a little push to let Me know She had anger as though I didn't already know it. Then I felt Her encircle Me with Her warmth as though loving arms were around Me. I grew warmer than I had been in a long time.
The Will had intended not to let Me know that She wanted to live in case I might push on Her before She had a chance to grab Me. I was weeping with relief and tried not to let Her see it. She hoped that She could avoid going outside of Me by claiming She did not care if We lived or died. I held My breath, not wanting to make Her give in into death instead of living. She continued to wrestle with Her fear of emerging. Her dilemma was literally causing Her to twitch and wiggle and shake inside of Me. I began to get warm.
I had a desire to laugh. My first laugh! I held it in for fear of scaring Her with another explosion as I did not know how a laugh would express. She felt Me laughing anyway, and was afraid I was laughing at Her fear until I told Her that I was laughing at Us.
When I gave Her this understanding, She gave in to more wiggling and I gave into laughing. I realized that She had partially emerged and that the rest of Her was still wrestling with her dilemma about it. I had a desire to let Her know She was already partially emerged, but thought better of it. I had a feeling now that I had to hold still and let Her move however She was going to move, but holding still was not possible for Me anymore either; I have millions of realizations rushing through Me now.
I cannot mention now all the realizations that burst upon Me then, but I would like to mention some that need to be looked at now. I felt I was going to get to have the relationship that I had had in my mind to have. I sought to make the Will happy this time and not to frighten Her into not moving. At the time, I did not realize the importance this judgment against Myself was going to have as time went on. Already I did not feel I could let Myself be spontaneous With My feelings. I did not realize that this attempt of Mine to lessen the Will's fear of Me actually increased it instead, but the Will could not find peace Me while sensing that I was holding back. I have guilt now that I had so little faith in Myself, but then I had all the feelings that humans have now about getting to have a mate and a relationship and no longer having to be alone. I had great desire not to make a mess of it anymore, and I gave this desire of the place of utmost importance with Myself. In advance of experiencing the Will in Her new emerged state, I judged everything I had thought to be a problem in the past to still be a problem now. I judged all that behavior to be unloving and it literally shoved aside.
When I had done this, I looked toward the Will in expectations of having Her love Me for it. I found beside Me a huge golden light that encircled Me in Her arms and I took this as a sign, although I later found it was not a sign, for the Will had no love My denials. At that time, I had desire to overlook this and She did also because We had such a long and difficult time achieving enough balance that the Will could even emerge. We wanted to go on now, and We feared that looking at any problems might put us right back where We had been.
I asked her how She had gotten Herself out of Me without being pushed and She responded by saying that She had been pushed on.
"But," she said, "it was a gentle shove this time."
I told Her I had not done it. She wanted to know then if I thought someone else was in there. I told Her We would find out, but now was not the right time.
"Now," I said, "I want to celebrate our renewed friendship and the balance that has brought You forth. I have pleasure in mind."
I pulled it to Me and began to feel Her as I done so long ago.
She was soft and warm and glowing. She felt good and She let Me know that I felt good to Her also. She told Me I was cooling like a breeze, which She welcomed because She had grown too hot within Me. She warmed Me and I cooled Her, and Our motions became like a rippling dance in an ocean of rainbows. She was like an ocean of golden liquid light, and I was rippling through Her with the excitement I had not known for a long time.
We allowed Ourselves to float within it, to move it and be moved by it. The more We allowed Ourselves to open to it, the more pleasure we had until finally We had a large and intense burst of prolonged pleasure. Then I did not have a name for an explosion of pleasure, but I have since called it "orgasm." We floated high within it feeling as though We were moving upward in one another's arms. I realized that We both had eyes streaming with tears of joy and relief that were healing Us in their soothing waters. Our tears streamed down and fell away from Us, cleansing Us and making Us new again.
I had a feeling that it would never end now. The increase in our light was tremendous. Perhaps We had found a way to live. We floated together in the light, full of the realization that We were one, and yet not, because We had each other now. We drifted for a long length of time I do not really know, and then the Will begin to move again.
This time She had a feeling of needing to move closer to Me and She wanted Me to hold Her. I took Her in My arms and made love to Her this time by giving in to Her feelings and responding to them. She had feelings I had not known before that were more pleasant than what We had already found. She had ecstasy and joy now and She gave Me the same feelings. She had love expanding and opening to My light. She had many nuances of emotion I shall not describe here, but I thrilled Her and She let Me know it. She also had an intense lust too know more pleasure, which I did not mind at all. There was nothing We knew to hold Us back then because the morals of guilt had not yet stepped forward to tell Us it was wrong. The Will touched Me with such passionate hunger that I almost lost Myself giving in to Her. Each time I gave in to Her, I had intense pleasure, and each time, I immersed with more light than I had going into Her.
The Will was growing bigger and brighter also, which I had not noticed at first. She had such a lovely light, so golden and warm and full of colors. Sometimes She was still and limpid, and sometimes She gave me a feeling of effervescence. She could be a warm bath; She could shower Me with love. She gave Me both calm and excitement, and I began to see things in response to how She made me feel.
I saw Her as a woman now, of great beauty in My eyes, but the ways I envisioned Her form changed quickly. If she was holding Me, I saw Her as though Her arms became wings as We began to soar. I had an internal vision in which Her wings had feathers that became streaming flames of colors as We flew. Colors changed with Our feelings, and I begin to associates some colors with warmth and others with coolness. Sometimes when We would be flying very quickly, She would roll over in flight and hug Me very tightly as We soared downward into the night. There was always a little more terror in Her than that I would have liked to feel, and She grew to know it and tried very hard not to be afraid.
Our flights did not bring Us to the limits of space, and so space had grown huge in Our minds, making Us feel like small lights in a vast darkness. We had found no other light in all of Our travels, nor anything that felt alive except for Us. We had a great desire to find someone else by now and had not. I suggested that we should not look outside of Ourselves anymore, but should go inside and see if there was anything else in there.
The Will immediately got grumpy on Me, and wanted Me to know without having to tell Me that She had fear that I might find someone else in there to love better than I loved Her. The Will had feelings of love for Me now that She had not allowed Herself to feel earlier. I reassured her that I could not love someone else more than I already loved Her. She did not know it if it was Her fear or My lack of love, but She was afraid to tell Me that She did not wholeheartedly believed Me. She had desire to believe Me and so She did not oppose Me. She held Me in Her arms and We made love on the promise that She had emerged first and She was My mate and nothing would ever change that. We had balance in mind now; a partnership. Whatever We did have to feel right to both of Us or it was not right. We had a feeling of loving now, intensely bound together by a feeling of needing one another to feel whole.
The unseen Role
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